Scars Scars Scars

I have three major scars, two on my back and one on my chest. I find it interesting that these scars have been nicknamed zippers and the pride that many have stating that they are part of "the zipper club". I have friends that do not have CHD and certainly do not have zippers that have started referring to these scars as zippers as well. This always makes me smile as I feel that they are really trying to enter my world.

The thing with scars, especially the chest scar is that many people are not proud of these scars. For many, this mark on their bodies is not only unwanted but shameful. This really does cause me some distress because I cannot imagine how horrific it must be to live with a mark on your body that you hate, or that makes you feel ugly. It's not the same as the extra weight, the acne or the too small or too big breasts, this is a mark of survival! It makes me think of what my parents told me as a child, this is a badge of honour, this is the only mark of a lot of hard work that surgeons did to keep me alive. When I think of it that way, as the signature of some of the most talented artists on the planet, it just seems beautiful. My heart is a masterpiece and a miracle and my surgeons signed it and left an eternal mark on their hardwork. I am proud to wear that signature!

Even I though have had days when I just wish I had no scars. They don't come often, in fact they are very rare, and usually show up when I am the lowest of lows for some other reason but they occur. This is a poem that I wrote on one of those days, it's called, You Think I'm Not Beautiful:

My scars are power,
unique, life giving,
life saving, bravery,
fear, love, pain,
beauty

But you don't see that,
You stare at them,
You think they are horrendous,
You wonder what terrible accident caused them,
You pity me,
You make me a monster

You want a clean slate,
A clean chest, a clean back,
normal,
beautiful,
safe,

Your thoughts have finally blinded me,
For the first time made me ashamed,
You mask your own insecurities,
by making me feel insecure,
Well **** you!
Look what you've done to me

And if this is not enough,
you also think I am too fat,
to tall, to hairy and too flat chested
You pigs, you should be ashamed of yourselves,
but you're not,
but I'm ashamed of me

I am lucky to not feel like this very often at all. In fact, I tend to tell my girlfriends I like my chest scar because it gives the illusion of clevage. This makes them laugh and me too. See there are plenty of benefits!

I tend to think that my scars are more obvious than they really are. I am sure this is true for many others as well. I think that if I wear a low cut top people are going to see the scar for sure. It doesn't bother me, I like it actually, I like to answer questions and the scar seems to promote them. The thing is, many people don't see it, and if they do its not until I say something about my heart condition. The only time people really notice is when I am in my swimsuit because they see the back scars too. They are more obvious, as they are older so they are slightly more crooked and there are two of them, side by side. Even then, people don't see them right away. This astounds me. I am sure they will see them right away, but they don't.

As a child I was always being told to keep my shirt down. Stop showing off your scar to everyone. I loved to. It generated such interest. I am still this way, although I cover up somewhat. I did post pictures of my scar on facebook however. Many people told me I was brave because of it. I just thought it was cool. I'm going to post my scar pics here as well. Cause, I mean I talked about them enough I really should. :P

There are so many scar stories I could tell but I will leave them for other days. Please, tell me your stories though, or how you feel about your scars. I would love to know, and I am sure other people would too. You're being very brave if you are sharing. It's hard, especially if you are not used to sharing.

From my heart to yours,
Colleen